Is It The Same For You?

23 Mar

I am wearing the flush of joy that comes as a result of someone finding me beautiful just as I am. It is seeping out through my skin and tightening my pores and setting me aglow. Is it the same for you?

I am sitting in front of my computer, my fingers poised to type. I am alight with joy and drunk on his many promises. I can’t find the words today. They only pour out of me when I am weighed down with good sense and bleakness. Is it the same for you?

He doesn’t seem to speak a lot. My words, usually a well of still water deep down inside me are erupting into a volcano of babble and drenching us both. He tells me that he loves the rain. Is it the same for you?

Her picture always seems to follow mine on his phone. He says she is just a really good friend. I scrutinize her face in all its extraordinary ordinariness. I know that I am prettier than she is and this makes me decide to take his word for it. Is it the same for you?

He has left his phone unattended on the table and gone off somewhere. My fingers itch to touch it like they always do to touch him. I tell myself trust is the bedrock of any functional relationship. A voice whispers in my head, “but he hasn’t even asked you yet.” I ignore the voice and the phone. Is it the same for you?

He is ugly to me the day that I find out. She is wearing his shirt and it is their six month anniversary. I rage and I run. He comes after me and pleads. I think this must mean that he chooses me. I have had the sitcom episode and now I want the full movie. I task the one who broke me with putting me back together. Is it the same for you?

I am bored. I think this and then quickly squelch the thought. At least I am not alone. I have been alone for far too long. It is better to be alone that be undervalued. But what is my value really without someone to call my own, tears and words spoken into a void? Is it the same for you?

I have settled for a situation that is beneath me, but at least I am settled. I don’t have to beat back against the horde of endlessly prettier girls to find someone who sees my worth. He sees it occasionally, when he isn’t the cause of my tears and the void that my words fall into. Is it the same for you?

Guilt overwhelms me about her. I wonder if she still has his shirt. I wonder if she has found someone better. I wonder if there was someone before her. I wonder if he told her the same thing that he told me; that he would never normally cheat but I was just too glorious to handle. I don’t feel glorious, I feel ashamed. Do you?

I remember the reasons he gave me why she was no longer good enough for him and I was. He was always full of reasons. I let myself be blind to the selfishness that stained their edges because I was clothed in the exact same shade. If she was too stressful, it was her fault. I was the quintessential cool girl after all. Is it the same for you?

I am shaken up and then let out of my cage all at once. I am tumbling through the air. I am made up of shards of glass and they are held together in the shape of me only by the rage. I am incandescent with rage. I wonder if it will be rage for you as well or just sadness.

Do I ask for too much regard and too much care? Do I ask for too much when I ask him to pay attention to my words and not the meaning he imagines behind them? Do I bother him too much when I refuse to let him don his robe of subterfuge? Is it too much to ask him to vacate the middle for once and cross over into the land of yes or no, of right or wrong? Do I start too many fights? Am I simply too much? Are you just right?

Are you deciding that you are prettier and softer around the edges and kinder and cooler? Are you happy now that you belong to someone? Is there a cloak of doubt on the shoulders of your relief at no longer being alone? Are you shrugging it off? Are you thinking that you’re special and that the story couldn’t possibly end the same for you? It was the same for me.

Hi guys. This is the first thing I’ve written in about three years. I’d really appreciate your feedback in the comments.
Welcome back.

Aside

Memories

20 Dec

Memories are
Popcorn and cotton candy
Bright lights and purple blankets
Teardrops and lights dimming
Memories suck

Memories are
Light touches and loving whispers
Stolen glances and a friend’s smile
Glass smashing and love fading
Memories suck

Memories are
Glass marbles and gold baubles
Good news and an aunt’s hug
Unrequited love and moving on
Memories suck

That’s another poem from my little book. Peace. Liv.

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An Apology.

19 Nov

Hullo! It’s me, Olivia. I’m really really really sorry about the thirty day blog challenge which I didn’t finish. I never really expected myself to finish it anyways. At least I got up to Day 25. 😀 I just lost access to the internet for a really long time and that’s why I wasn’t able to finish it. Anyhoo, today, I have a sort of post. The kind of thing I did on Day 18 of my blog challenge, the bits and pieces of stories. Here goes…

I’d detached myself from me so I wouldn’t feel, so I wouldn’t hurt. Now, nothing felt more real than your hand in mine as we ran past the rapidly closing market so we could get home before the storm started and I could taste your lips one last time before you had to leave for the war.

‘Pole Star,’ Michael had said as he pointed out the huge shiny star. We’d been standing barefoot on his porch. I’d just told him I was pregnant and his cheeks sparkled in the moonlight from the tears that had come when he’d heard the news. That was three weeks before the accident that took him.
I called her Polaris. She had his eyes; eyes that looked as if tears would fall from them any moment.

Masking tape. Odd it was called that.
It did nothing to mask the ugliness of the vase she was taking home to her mother. It held it together though. That was important; that it didn’t fall apart, that she didn’t fall apart. That she didn’t crack and tell her mother that ‘Uncle’ Marvin was visiting her room as often as he visited her mother’s.

‘We’re not important,’ I told Nathaniel as I clung to his waist. He smelled like salt and spear mint.
‘I know, love,’ he said and stroked my hair.
‘You do?’ I asked looking up into his luminous eyes.
‘No, I don’t,’ he said, ‘but you do.’

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30 Day Challenge; Day 25

26 Oct

Something That I Miss.

I miss a whole lot of things. I miss Saturday morning cartoons when I was little, and bread and jam before leaving for school on weekdays. I miss many old shows that they’ve stopped, especially Megas XLR, Zoey 101 and Out Of Jimmy’s Head. I really loved those shows. I miss my best friend. A lot. It feels like I haven’t seen him in ages what with school and work and everything, I feel like we’re drifting apart.
I miss pancakes, it’s been forever since I had those and I miss reading Archie’s comics.
I can’t think of anything else I miss and now everything I wrote seems shallow to me.
Anyhoo. Till tomorrow. Peace.

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30 Day Challenge; Day 24

26 Oct

My Zodiac Sign And If I Think It Fits My Personality.

Well I’m a Taurus. I was born in early May. According to Wikipedia, Tauruses are supposed to be Patient and reliable, warmhearted and loving, persistent and determined, placid and security loving… On the dark side, we’re supposed to be jealous and possessive, resentful and inflexible, self indulgent and greedy.
Ah well. I might be patient and reliable, but right now I’m definitely not warmhearted and loving.
Once I set my mind to something, I don’t change it so I guess persistent and determined is right on the mark too. I am very placid and security loving. I’m kind of a bore and I rarely ever venture out of my comfort zone.
On the flip side, I don’t think I’m jealous or possessive, but then, I’ve never really liked anyone that well. I am resentful and mostly inflexible; I don’t bend until I’m given a good reason why I should. Ummm… Self indulgent and greedy? I think I am to an extent.
It also says Tauruses are lovers of the arts and are often gifted in some aspect. I love music, but I’m not gifted in any aspect.
Sooo I guess that’s it. Till tomorrow.

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30 Day Challenge; Day 23

26 Oct

Somewhere I’d Like To Move To Or Visit.

I love Lagos. I can’t imagine living anywhere outside of Lagos. I want my kids, if I ever have any to grow up here. So there’s nowhere I’d like to move to. I would however love to visit Spain and Italy. Primarily for the exotic foods and the gorgeous men.
I’d also love to go to Iceland to see the geysers. I imagine they would be really beautiful.
I’d like to go everywhere really. And see people and places and things. I’d like to try the food, and I’d like to shop. It’s one of my dreams to be really well travelled.

Till tomorrow.

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30 Day Challenge; Day 22.

23 Oct

My View On Religion.

I think religion is good. It’s something to do, something to live for when everything else is all screwed up. I however don’t advocate shoving it down other people’s throats and being all high and mighty and judgmental about stuff. There’s a way to disapprove of stuff that will make the person want to change and it’s not from up on your high horse of ‘hey, you’re damned and I’m not.’

Religion is quite different from spirituality however and I think spirituality makes life beautiful. Like I’m not the most spiritual person right now. But the times when I was, when I am, those times are pretty awesome. I never feel alone and everything just falls into place and I feel loved and I love. I love God and I love everyone.

Yes, I believe in God. And I believe in Jesus Christ and I believe in the Holy Spirit. There have been times when I questioned everything and the point of it all. I just figure it’s better to live like there’s a God and die and find out there isn’t than to live like God doesn’t exist and die and find out that he does.

Let’s face it though, a lot of the rules that religion/spirituality enforces make life easier. Like they take the worry out of life and all. Take premarital sex for instance. If you’re not having it, then you don’t have to constantly worry about disease or pregnancy.
But hey, that’s just my opinion. I’m also all for what brings you pleasure. I’m at a point in my life where I’m not sure of anything. I’m just wasting time and being silly.

So that’s it for today. Till tomorrow. xo.